A Tale of Swords and Souls with a hint of Oregano
by Yoshimo
Summary: Even a massive Holy Sword to the eye cannot stop the evil of Soul Edge. Forced to work as a team, our heroes, once again, raise their weapon. A retelling of the Soul Calibur 3 storyline, with intended humor and parody.


**Soul Calibur Three  
A Tale of Swords and Souls with a hint of Oregano**  
_  
December 19th, 2005_

Yoshimo wrote down a few more things. "Alright, that takes care of the majority of the script. Now all I need to do is get the costumes and music ready, some more funding, and we should be able to…"

"YOSHIMO!" came a loud, but young voice.

"Ah!" Yoshimo yelped, falling out of his seat. Getting back into it, he glared down at his intruder. "Winny, what the hell do you want THIS time?"

"Can I be in the Soul Calibur 3 thingy? Pleeeeeeeease?" asked the gnome.

"Why should I put you in the movie?"

"I made my own character on my copy on Soul Calibur 3 in Character Creator."

"_Your_ copy?"

"Okay, yours."

"In fact, I don't even think you have your own PS2."

"Okay, that's yours too."

"And whose memory card did you save it on?"

"…Yours."

"Look, I'm sure you'll annoy me to no end until I add you to this, but it just wouldn't be fair to the people who auditioned for cameo roles before I decided on just using the main cast. You remember those auditions, right?"

* * *

_Yoshimo looked up at the applicant, and shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir, but I've decided to stick with the staple cast of Soul Calibur 3, and maybe some of the bonus characters. I apologize for using up your time; maybe in the future, someone will get the inspiration to do a crossover of Soul Calibur featuring you."_

_"Mama mia..." Mario Mario sighed, before trudging out the door.

* * *

_

Yoshimo looked back at the script, and started mumbling to himself. "Let's see, I think we can afford to lose Voldo…" 

"I don't think you can afford to lose Voldo…" Winny pointed out.

"Why are you still here?"

"Well, a friend of Minoa's is over for the holidays…"

"It's Kyo, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Crap."

"I'm getting out of here before the shout feast starts…" Winny pointed out, walking towards the exit.

"Why a shout feast?" Yoshimo asked. "They're not even here, and I've already decided against canning Voldo, so why…"

The phone began to ring. Yoshimo looked down at it, eyes wide, finger still raised. "…It can't be…" He picked it up slowly. "H…hello?"

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ YOU WERE PLANNING ON CANNING VOLDO?" came two loud shouts from the other end. Yoshimo crashed against the opposite wall.

The director scrambled to his seat, and picked up the phone, putting it to his other ear. "One, I was PLANNING to do it, but now I've decided not to. And second, how did you even hear this? You were in a completely different building!"

"We have our ways…"

"Okay, fine. You win. Voldo is going to be in the production. Now stop calling me!" Yoshimo slammed his phone down. "Now then, I need to work on costumes…"

"What's wrong with the costumes they're already wearing in Soul Calibur 3?" Winny asked.

"Why are you here STILL?" Yoshimo snapped.

"I'm just asking…"

"The problem is that some of the costumes just aren't good for the characters as they stand. Sure, people like Rock, Kilik, Cervantes, Siegfried, they've got great costumes. But Yoshimitsu, Sophitia, Raphael, their first player costumes do them no justice.

"As such, I'm going to have to make some changes. For starters..." He held up the official artwork for SCIII Taki, a circle drawn around her mask. "This goes first, and the costume turns red. You know, like her Soul Calibur 2 costume. As well, Yoshimitsu needs his Soul Calibur 2 costume, and I'll see if I can get Voldo's most decent costume for this production."

"Most decent?" Winny asked, as though such a thing were impossible.

"Well, his 2nd and 3rd player costumes from Soul Calibur 2 were fine and dandy in my opinion, and the 3rd Costume doesn't have a hyped-up codpiece which leads to weird thoughts." Yoshimo kept writing. "Let's see...for this to work, I'm going to need Manic my fight choreographer, Kinzoku my set designer, a truck, and enough gas to get their car from the Vancouver Harbor to the Penticton Auction House within 6 hours..."

"Do I want to know?" Winny asked.

"Oh, it's not dirty, or anything," Yoshimo assured.

* * *

_January 5th, 2006_

Less than a month later, Yoshimo had gotten the funding in order, the script completed, the lights on cue, and enough film in the camera for hours upon hours of filming. As well, he had all of the costumes in order, and the actors were getting ready for the first scene.

Sophitia stepped out of one of the stalls, causing those waiting for her, Seung Mi-Na, Yun-Seong and Siegfried, to look up. Sophitia beamed, and turned in place, giving them the full view of her costume, which was her 1st Player costume from the third Soul Calibur. "So, what do you think?" she asked. "I was thinking of going for the _Warrior Princess_ look."

Seung Mi-Na beamed, and approached Sophitia, fists pumping. "Oh, wow...it looks GREAT, Sophie!" Mi-Na side merrily. "Although, I think the boys would agree with me, and I'm not sure how I should think about that..."

Siegfried and Yun-Seong's jaws were unhinged, and their eyes were wide. A bit of blood trickled down Yun-Seong's nose.

"Oh...let me try something else..." Sophitia ducked back into the dressing room. After a few minutes, she came out again, this time in her 2nd Player outfit. "How about this?" she asked.

Seong Mi-Na paced around Sophitia, hemming and hawing as she examined it all over. "Looks great. I think I like it better than the first one. Keeps you from looking slutty like Ivy."

Sophitia nodded. "I kinda like this one better myself. The first one was so skimpy; I can't begin to imagine what would happen if the straps were cut and the breast plate were to fall off in the middle of a fight sce..."

Yun-Seong squeaked, before he fainted. "I think he could imagine..." Siegfried muttered, regaining his composure.

* * *

"...And see if you can work in _Brave Sword, Braver Soul _into the scene where Taki duels with Setsuka," Yoshimo instructed. "Think it'll work, Sivart?"

The new music director for _Yoshimo Studios _nodded, and smiled. "It can be done, monsieur," Sivart agreed in a French accent. "I _do_ have the official soundtrack for both games." With that, he left to get the music cued up for the first few scenes.

Winny walked over to Yoshimo, and tilted his head. "Soul Calibur 2 costumes, Soul Calibur 2 music...why not just do a Soul Calibur 2 parody?" he asked simply.

"Because Soul Calibur 2 didn't have much of a story," Yoshimo explained. "Great game, but not NEARLY as much plot as 1 or 3. We will do a recap of it during the first scene."

"No story? Weren't you planning on doing a Rockman EXE 4 spoof once?" Winny pointed out.

"Yeah, I was _planning _to do so. I've decided against that in the end."

"Excuse me, mister Yoshimo..." came a broken English accent from one of the dressing stalls nearby. Yoshimo looked, and noticed a white wooden mask staring at him. "I don't suppose you know what happened to my costume..."

"Oh, Yoshimitsu," the director observed. "Well, I tried to get your official costume all the way from Namco of Japan, but it must've been lost in delivery. You'll have to settle with the Soul Calibur 2 costume." Yoshimo dug into a costume chest conveniently placed nearby, and pulled out the pink, baggy ninja-gi. He walked over to Yoshimitsu, and handed them over.

After they were taken out of his hands, Yoshimo pulled out a wooden mask from behind his back. "You'll also want the right mask." He placed the brown wooden mask next to the large, red samurai style helmet.

"Thanks very much." Yoshimitsu ducked back into the changing room. Yoshimo the director gave an almost evil, silent chuckle.

Winny walked over to Yoshimo, and blinked. "So, what REALLY happened to his costume?"

"I have my ways..." Yoshimo explained.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Penticton, a young man with gelled, blonde hair and a Hawaiian over shirt, waved his mallet. "Our next item on this auction is an authentic costume from the production of Soul Calibur 3. If my assistant would be so kind as to reveal it..."

Another young man, this one with brunette hair in a ponytail and glasses, pulled out a clothes rack with a mix between armour and ninja gear. The blonde haired man continued. "Worn by the comical relief Yoshimitsu, this costume is in perfect condition, and is fresh from Namco of Japan. Let's start the bid at 100. Do I hear one...one hundred! Very go...two! Two! I hear two hundred!"

* * *

Yoshimo mumbled a few things to himself, reading over a sheet with scene designs. He looked up, and slapped his palm to his forehead. "I knew I shouldn't have sent my set designer up to Penticton with my Fight Choreographer. Now I have to post-pone the first day of production. MAN, I'll be lucky to get out of this without some of the actors screaming at me..."

Chibi-Zell approached, and pulled the copy of the script out of Yoshimo's back pocket. "H...hey!" the director snapped, turning to face his script-snatcher.

"So, what sort of bizarre pairing are you going to present us with this time?" Chibi-Zell asked, flipping through the pages of the script. "Maxi/Taki? Kilik/Amy? Siegfried/Seong-Mina?"

"No, no, and no..." Yoshimo growled, grabbing the script out of his co-director's hands. "What do you mean _bizarre_, anyway? I usually keep my pairings mostly belivable."

"Oh, but what about Erk and Priscilla? Or Yugi and Anzu? How about explaining that whole Lyn and Florina thing," Chibi-Zell challenged.

"What the...those are all proper, believable and mostly obvious pairings!" Yoshimo defended.

"Not in this world..." Chibi-Zell pointed out with a nudge.

"Somewhere out there, there has to be a universe where yaoi isn't the dominant genre..." Yoshimo sighed.

"Seriously, though, what have you got cooked up for us this time? Maybe a Siegfried/Sophitia to represent your fanboy-ism of both characters?" Chibi-Zell almost taunted.

Yoshimo sighed, and shrugged his shoulders. "As much as I'd like to, I can not. Sophitia is a married and dedicated woman. It has been done successfully in the past, but I do not possess the skill to make it good. I cannot degrade her like that."

"Not like the neck breakers and frequent panty-shots are any more redeeming. What, you're not going to include those, either?"

"Alright, they're the focus around several jokes, even one half of a chapter. Now shut up..."

"You know..." Chibi-Zell pointed out, leaning his back against Yoshimo and balancing a plastic dagger on his finger by the tip, "you _could_ always just kill off Rothion."

"Yeah, that worked once, but I don't want to tread on toes here. Besides, I don't much care for killing off characters just to get to clear the way for other pairings."

"So what? I do it all the time," Chibi-Zell defended.

Yoshimo rolled his eyes. "Killing off Leila for purposes of Matthew and Guy fics does not count," he countered. "She ALWAYS dies due to the storyline!"

"You say _toe-may-toe_, I say _tah-meh-ter-morts_."

"...No you don't."

"You're right. I was just saying that to get a rise out of you. Apparently, it worked. So,what are you planning for Kilik? And Maxi?"

"If you're suggesting that I pair them together, it's not gonna happen."

"That wasn't a question."

Suddenly, there was a muffled, ringing noise. Yoshimo blinked, and pulled out his cellphone. "Yoshimo Studios, Director himself Yoshimo speaking..."

"Since you're talking about pairings, how about a Voldo..." came a familiar voice.

"How the hell do you do that, Kyo?" Yoshimo shouted into the phone. "You're on the other end of the studio!" He looked around the room he and Chibi-Zell were arguing in. "Is this place bugged or something?"

"Yes. Now, about that pairing..."

Yoshimo snapped his cellphone shut. "Ooh, that woman...!"

* * *

"Why do we need the fight choreographer, anyway?" Raphael asked, already in costume.

"Because I don't want there to be any choppy screw ups in this," Yoshimo explained. "I trust you all, but I just want this to work to its best. It's the least your wonderful stories deserve."

"Bah! It's not like we don't remember the practices we've done for other productions. You can MORE than trust us to wing it," Cervantes explained with a cruel grin. "Observe." The older actor backed up a few paces, swords ready. "Hey Raphael, stay perfectly still!" he instructed.

"The hell I am..." Raphael muttered, seeing where this was going. He began to leave, just as Yun-Seong entered.

"Hey guys," he greeted. "What's going..."

"AHA!" Cervantes laughed, almost teleporting high above Yun-Seong. He came down at high speeds, slamming his plastic swords into the boy's shoulders.

"DAMNIT!" Yun-Seong cursed loudly, crumpling to the ground.

Yoshimo blinked. "You can...actually do that?" he asked. "I thought it was a mirror and wire trick..."

"Nah, I'm just that good," Cervantes explained with an evil grin.

Yoshimo shook his head. "Anyway, even if you don't need Manic, we still need Kinzoku, our set designer. So if you could just sit patiently for them to come back, it should only be one or two more days..."

* * *

_One or two more days later..._

Yoshimo sat down in his director's chair, and took out his megaphone. "Alright, Siegfried, Nightmare, Raphael, get ready for your first scene. Sivart, cue up the music, and Bart, stop giving Nightmare bunny ears."

"But it's fun!"

"And lights! Camera...Action!"


End file.
